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The Last Samurai (condensed)

by Mia Descandion

WHITEY SAMURAI

We’re currently showing this ad in our preview tape in the store, and for some reason it’s been getting on my nerves. I wrote this even though I hadn’t seen it, and showed it to a coworker. He said HOLY SHIT JUST LIKE THE MOVIE.

Because he seriously IS SO FUCKING AWESOME THAT THE SAMURAI CAN’T KILL HIM NO MUST MAKE SURE HE IS THE MOST AWESOME EVER TRAIN HIM AND HE BEATS THE BAD WHITEYS NOT THE GOOD WHITEYS LIKE HIM AND GETS THE HOT HOT POON I SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO WRITE THIS MOVIE WITHOUT HAVING SEEN IT FOLKS.

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Man: Please go to Japan and show them your awesome ways.
Nathan: I will be better than all the stupid Japanese because I am so awesome.
Katsumoto: You fight so awesomely that we’ll help train you to be the best samurai!
Nathan: Yes, I am that goddamn awesome.
Nathan: I have become the bestest samurai ever and am totally more samurai than the rest.
Woman: I love you, whitey samurai.