Monster (condensed)

(Reconstructed from a fever-induced fulmination recorded on May 30th. — ed.)

Basically Charlize Theron is SUPER GOOD ACTRESS in Monster and scared the shit out of me but the entire script has to go.

It’s all HELLO I AM AILEEN WUORNOS MY PAST IS EXTREMELY TRAGIC AND MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY BUT INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT AND SHOWING IT LET US SHOW ME SKATING AROUND WITH CHRISTINA RICCI AND MAKING OUT IN WHAT IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE WORST LESBIAN SCENE EVER. With LITTLE TO NO discussion about her tragic past.

She’ll randomly say something like “Hi, how are you? My dad beat me because my uncle was fucking me. Let’s go get some ice cream!” It’s like something off of Bizarro Lifetime.

Even in the “Making Of” the director is like THE PAST MADE HER WHAT SHE IS HER PAST IS SO IMPORTANT OH GOD JOYGASMING ALL OVER HER PAST now filming a scene of her rollerskating with Christina Ricci. Never mind what fascinated the public WAS HER FUCKING PAST GETTING POKED IN THE ASS BY HER UNCLE AND THE ENTIRE TOWN WHEN SHE WAS EIGHT.

(It really just gave me Serial Killer Blueballs as there was little to no killing shown and in fact reflected on INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS and really when I’m watching a film about Aileen Wuornos more killing less disturbing lesbianism thanks.)

SUPER FUN FACT: There is an ALTERNATE line for panel three. I was going around asking which one sounded better and this one got voted A+++ by Frank Cifaldi SO THIS ONE WAS PICKED.

MAYBE IF YOU VISIT THE GODDAMN FUCKING FORUMS YOU CAN FIND OUT THE ALTERNATE ENDING!!! (or just visit the forums because Rob’s in there alone picking at the wallpaper and it’s getting sad.)

(“Getting” implies that at one point it wasn’t sad. — ed.)